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Just don’t feel complete

Ever Felt like that? Like you weren't finished and there was no finishing line, so you'd never accomplish it?

Thats how I'm feeling. Like I've wasted my life. Wake up everyday feeling wasted, useless, not needed, but alive and breathing, just to deal with the thoughts till bedtime.

Life is good though... I just completed my esthetics classes and obtained my license, my spa reopened in September, my son just gave me a set of twins, both of my daughters completed college have there own place and job, and I just celebrated my 43rd birthday.

Today is Friday October 25..I think.

Everything thought about everything is a challenge, and nothing gets accomplished. Several items on my agenda.. not my bucket list, that should be completed today! 1st: Run 5 miles and do 100 crunches with the weights 2nd: walk juju n feed her, get her fresh water, show her love; 3rd: SSS... 4th: get out this damn house... the rest doesn't even matter cause I'm in bed with a bowl of delicious ground turkey n penne pasta, topped off with olive oil, Lavendar and Parmesan. I'm watching some movie in and writing this blog!

The struggle is real. Only you can hear the thoughts in your head. Mines gave up on everything. Thoughts are no longer a priority and I'm spiraling baby. Scary yet real. My bipolar has finally set in and taken over my brain. My years of refusing to accept the diagnosis and the medication... never ever feeling normal and still trying to deal has just hit the Mofo Roof.

I can't predict the future, but my present life doesn't see a future to focus on. I can't even fathom next month! There is literally a block in my head that has caused my functioning to come to a complete halt. Frozen in Time: I froze when I was 6, 11, 13-15, 18, hell I been frozen, can't move and ain't thawing out.

Look at the bright side, life is good even if you can't smell it or see it or feel it. Even if there is no emotion behind life... it's good right?

I've stopped everything and I'm desperately taking baby steps, this is wild cause it's like I lost my mind and nothing makes sense anymore. Everything is frustrating and trivial.

Do I swallow this damn pill...

I always hated the thought of someone tryna get over on me, I've dealt with the most corrupt women in this business.. corrupt lying customers... backstabbing black women, Walmart dusty ass,... let me slow down... she might be reading this!

But I refuse to be a pushover or a sucker and taking the meds will do that. It's numbs the brain. Maybe god has a plan.

I've shut down almost every means of communicating with me just to get away from these corrupt people. All they can do now is text my phone or send an email... which I leave on delivered. So if I take this pill, I won't be available for you to rob me or lie to me or inbox me with your ignorant and false sense of concern! I also get to sleep good for once and smile a bit, not just for a camera.

Don't be surprised when you watch the horrific things on the news, everything shall pass, it comes and goes. I'm the meantime, I ate my food and I gotta brush my teeth. I'm not going to the gym.. but I am bout to get jiggy and run thru these barber shops and sell this honey... make this money the easy way.

Stay Woke, I love some people.. but there will come a time when I will no longer exist, and that's what I'm preparing for right now babe. Disappearing.



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